A Lapse of Anxiety and Depression
With May being Mental Health Awareness month, I have been contemplating sharing my personal reflections on the COVID-19 virus and my personal mental health journey. However, there was something off about sharing this story. The reality is that ever since Colorado began shutting down in March, my mental health has actually improved and I don’t really know how to feel about it.
In November 2019, I opened up and shared some of my personal struggles with anxiety and depression in a series of articles (Growing a Mustache for My Own Mental Health, What Are You Hiding Behind that Facial Hair? and Parenting and Putting Yourself Last). These articles were all within a few months of me seeking out help for my depression and anxiety and I was still just trying to wrap my head around the pain that I was feeling.
Now less than six months later, the whole world around me has been dramatically impacted by the COVID-19 virus. Millions of people have lost their jobs, businesses have closed and may never reopen, grocery store shelves have been empty and remain so for 8+ weeks, rent and mortgage payments have been missed, graduations and weddings have been cancelled, synagogues and churches have closed their doors to their communities, thousands of people have died, and there is no end in sight.
With all of this chaos, it would have made sense for my own anxiety and depression to go through the roof. However, that hasn’t been the case.
I actually have had a lapse of anxiety and depression during the past two months.
And it feels weird.
Why do I feel fine for the first time in four years? Why when there is all of this suffering around me do I feel rested and at peace? How can I relate to those that are truly struggling right now while feeling mostly content with my current situation? Why can events like this have the opposite effect for some people including myself this time?
The reality is that I have read other people’s accounts who experience depression that they also have felt “better” during this crisis.
Whether it be sleeping better, experiencing the outdoors more, spending more time with loved ones, connecting with old friends, or creating a new normal for working, I have felt better. I know it is not because I am working less - I have “worked” 63+ days straight. It is not because we haven’t been impacted financially - my wife had to close her hair business for eight weeks. It is not because I don’t know people who have had COVID-19 - my congregation has had two pillars in our community pass away. It is not because work hasn’t been stressful - we closed our physical plant and “restarted” our organization online over night.
This whole crisis has had its stressful moments for me both personally and professionally but it has also showed me that part of my depression and anxiety has been tied to comparing myself to others. I have had to step back and realize that everyone has directly been impacted by this crisis and it doesn’t do anyone any good to say one level of struggle is worse than another. I cannot continue to try and put myself in other people’s shoes and try to feel the pain they are facing. I cannot try and solve things that I have no control over. I cannot carry all of the weight of my organization and it is okay to ask for help and trust others to make things happen.
It is also okay to feel “normal” and “good” every once in a while.
I also know that while things are going “well” for me right now, my depression and anxiety are still a part of me and will show up at different times throughout my life. I cannot take my depression for granted and need to remain acutely aware of my mental well being. I also see that I need to take some of the positives of these last two and a half months and learn how to use them as coping mechanisms when I am feeling down.
For others, the last weeks may have caused your depression and anxiety to trigger and some people have committed suicide. I feel for all of you and please know that you are not alone. I am here to listen or reach out to the Colorado Crisis Services (https://coloradocrisisservices.org/) or the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/).
We are all in this together. Reach out. Ask for help. Take care of your mental health.