Putting the PEP in Parenting
A little over three and a half years ago, our lives changed. We had been struggling with our son’s behavior both in school and at home and we had no idea how to make things better. The school knew that his behavior was “off” but wouldn’t do anything without an official diagnosis. We then went to our pediatrician hoping that she would have some answers. Nope, she had to send us to a specialist. That specialist was a “talk therapist.”
How were we going to get our six year old to speak up about what was going on with him? He couldn’t explain his emotions and his actions yet. I remember vividly our first meeting with her because it was painful. Here my wife, son, and I were in a room just trying to get answers on his behavior and emotions. We were at our wit’s end and now we had to sit in this room trying to share what he was going through reliving each painful event. Not the best introduction in getting our son the support he needed.
At the end of the conversation, she gave us some tools that could help in certain situations but told us that she couldn’t give him a diagnosis and that we needed to meet another specialist. Oh and there were no specialists at this office available to help us… we had to drive 30 minutes further to even get a diagnosis so that we could get him help in school.
A sign that our healthcare and school system are broken.
Finally, we met with a psychiatrist who wanted to help us try some medication to help him deal with his anxiety and behavior. Only she didn’t want to give him a full diagnosis because he was still young. We said, “we just need to get him tested at school.” With that in mind, she wrote down three things that he was “diagnosed” with: anxiety, sensory processing, and OCD/ADHD (they are actually all related to some extent.) And remember this was not an official diagnosis, just one to help us at the school.
She then told us about a few groups that we could take him to and that there was a conference called Parents Encouraging Parents (PEP.) PEP? That sounded more like a cheerleading event than a parenting experience. We said we would have to look more into it.
Within days, we were now armed with a letter that we could take to his school and over the next couple of weeks, they tested him. Now why did it take three months to have the school system tested? We will never know.
Another sign that our healthcare and school system are broken.
At the same time that they were doing testing, we visited the PEP Conference website and we were completely confused. It was the most basic web page in the world with very little information about what the conference was and what the sessions entailed. As we looked further into the conference, we saw that it was a completely free conference including food and hotel for two nights.
All that we had to do was fill out a short application stating which one we wanted to go to and why we were interested in going. We had to briefly describe our son but that was it.
A couple of weeks later and we received notice that we had been selected to go to the PEP Conference in January 2017, still unsure what this meant.
Within days, we received notice from his school that they wanted to meet with us to determine if he was going to receive an IEP (Individualized Education Plan.) Looking back on both of these events, I wonder if it was fortuitous that they happened so close in time together.
In early January we met with the school principal and four specialists who told us that our son did qualify for an IEP to help him with his reading, writing, math and social and behavioral needs. We must have been deer in the headlight in that first meeting because we didn’t know what any of it meant.
Thankfully for us, three days later we were headed to Hotel Elegante Conference Center in Colorado Springs. (One day there may be an article about this unique… okay crazy hotel.) We had a semi-diagnosis for our son. We had an IEP. And we had a full two and a half days away from our kids.
The whole ride down, we talked about what we hoped to get out of the weekend. We knew there were going to be times where we wanted to go to different sessions and a time where we were in small groups without each other. Other than that, we were clueless on what to expect. We arrived at the hotel and checked into our free room and then went to the ballroom for the first evening. There we met another couple that we became friendly with and still are in contact with to this day.
After dinner, we got the rundown of what the next couple of days would look like. Special Education law, men’s sessions, IEPs for elementary school students, education data, small group discussions, meals within our region (Aurora), parent stories, student stories, and much more. It all seemed overwhelming. From three months of not knowing anything to a “diagnosis” to an IEP to this conference. It was a lot to swallow.
And then something amazing happened as we broke into small groups. These small groups are the meat of the conference. You are with 10-12 other parents and special education professionals where you get to share your personal journey and not feel alone. Hearing the other parent’s stories that first night, I felt a little out of place. Our son didn’t have the same issues as the other kids. Our story didn’t compare. Maybe we didn’t belong. But then I shared our story and shared that I felt we didn’t belong. The facilitators of the group and the other parents turned to me saying that it didn’t matter the diagnosis, we were in the right place at the right time.
From there, I felt like I was going to learn as much as possible to become the biggest advocate for my son. I sat in sessions about topics that I had never thought I would need to know. I sat in a room with fifty other men who shared their stories and their emotions about life and parenting being different than we had expected. I learned about the grief cycle and how my wife and I could be at different stages at different times. Most of all, I now had a toolbox to help me advocate and support my amazing, smart, energetic, athletic, and special education student.
Now three years later, I see how this conference gave me a little PEP in my parenting. I have now had the privilege of serving as a facilitator at three PEP conferences and hope to make this journey easier for other families.
There is so much more that I could share so, If you or someone you know would benefit from participating in the PEP Conference, I would be happy to talk to you. Just email me.